Archive for September, 2012

Latest definition of irony
September 25, 2012

Our first definition (I say ‘our’ because I see the big time bloggers use it to make their tech teams feel involved, but this shit is all me) (as if you couldn’t tell) was Newt Gingrich apologizing for the typos in his hastily written Tweets with a hastily written Tweet in which he misspelled ‘typo.’

A year later, we had sociopathic Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez, with his characteristic bad timing, rip the Oakland Athletics’ Dallas Braden as a nobody, only to see him catapulted into the headlines after throwing a perfect game two days later. (To be fair to A-Rod, he was almost right – Braden has barely been heard from since.)

And now we have this from Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker, whose obscenely anti-union policies forced him into the indignity of facing what was only the third attempted gubernatorial recall election in U.S. history, (he survived, due in large part to sympathy votes cast by Wisconsinites who were not unreasonably convinced by their Google image search results that the man has Down’s syndrome,) (seriously, take a look) taking to Twitter to denounce the hideous game-ending call by the replacement officials in last night’s Packers-Seahawks game:

…which was caused by, of course, a multibillion-dollar monopoly refusing to compensate its employees properly, thus resulting in a unionized strike.

Oh, look: a tough-talking conservative who’s ready to cave whenever his personal interests clash with his principals.

How. Novel.


Fuck 9/11
September 11, 2012

– fuck the erosion of morality it inspired, serving as the justification for the wanton murder and calculated torture of oftentimes dubiously detained suspects

– fuck GW, who, at the behest of an incompetent neocon cabal, used the bones of the victims to beat the drums of war

– fuck Hillary Clinton, Nancy Pelosi, Joe Biden and all the other standard-bearers of what should be the ‘grown-up’ party for acceding to fund Bush and Dick’s Excellent Adventure

– fuck Rudy Giuliani, that ghoulish toad, who pursed his lips, puffed out his chest, and rode the day’s proverbial coattails away from what would have deservedly been an ignominious exit from public life

– fuck fundamentalist Islam, which promises to reward the deliberate slaughter of civilians

– fuck the equivocating apologists, who insist that it doesn’t promise that at all

– fuck the morally and intellectually bankrupt thugs who bought into it, and handed over their strings to a psychopathic puppeteer

– fuck that cowardly man who pulled their strings from a distance, coaxing them into murderous servitude by purporting to ventriloquise the divine

– fuck the bigoted Christianists, who hypocritically rail against all of the above, all the while in screaming denial of their own faith’s ignorance and nastiness

– fuck the meatheaded nationalism it gave rise to, nothing more than the equation of patriotism with bellicose, “U-S-A, U-S-A!” jingoism

– fuck the Freedom Tower, that comical monstrosity, for so obviously symbolizing the most base and ignoble elements of Americana: its disdain for nuance, its dismissal of context, and its insistence on saying “Fuck all, this shit is going right here.

Fuck everything about this stupid fucking day. It deserves not solemnity, nor piousness, nor reverence – it deserves anger. In so many ways – lives lost, attitudes changed, policies implemented, leaders elected – it was both the single most fucked up day, and day that fucked the most things up (creating a climate of pervasive fear, causing an erosion of civil liberties, and contributing to an economic tailspin at home; leading to needless bloodshed and the self-cultivated spread of anti-American sentiment abroad,) in modern American history.

And if I hear Rudy or Sean Hannity use the term “pre-9/11 mindset” one more time, I will bludgeon Clint Eastwood to death with a hammer, flay his carcass with a sickle, and drape it over that empty chair of his.

(And yes, format inspired by this.)