The British are coming!

When it comes to gutbusting gluttony America is, well, fuck yeah. One of the ways we’ve achieved this is through tireless innovation; we’re constantly coming up with new and exciting ways to cram unhealthy shit inside other unhealthy shit in an effort to achieve maximum calories per square inch. And while we’ve certainly produced some fascinating results, an old enemy has just reminded us that we must not rest on our laurels. British Pizza Hut has launched a culinary Sputnik: hotdogs in pizza crust.

Let us set aside for now our anger at the outrageous treason of a venerable American crap-peddler crossing the pond and gifting the Brits with this undeniably novel pairing. Let us instead take this time to pause, collect ourselves, and ask How can we keep America on top? Because I don’t know about you, but an America where we’re outdone in that most glorious of American traditions, shoveling ungodly amounts of unholy food concoctions down our gullets is not the America I grew up in, and it is not the America I want to die from heart disease in. Christ, it’s bad enough already, what with that colored boy in the White House…

Anyway, here are a few of my ideas:

1. Chocolate covered pretzels with chocolate on the inside as well. Because why not?

2. The complete eradication of milk, to be replaced in any and all instances by heavy cream.

3. Canned fruits floating in corn syrup, not water. I particularly like this one – now when some killjoy paternal figure suggests you “just have a piece of fruit” for dessert, the joke’s on them!

4. Deep fried oil. I’m not quite sure of how the physics here would work, but I’m sure it’s possible.

5. Chewable butter with a gum-like consistency. To be used as an alternative to gum; because, you know, fuck having to spit things out.