Archive for January, 2012

God Bless America
January 30, 2012

Bobcat Goldthwait’s follow-up to the criminally underseen World’s Greatest Dad is the story of a guy who figures out the Final Solution to the Douchebag Question: fucking shoot them.

It looks amazing.

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Newt wins South Carolina
January 22, 2012

I know some chocolate bunnies that aren’t making it through the night.

Mount Gingrich just ERUPTED
January 19, 2012

spewing toxic lard all over poor John King’s scarily immaculate coif. Yes, Newt “Sugar, Lollipops and Infidelity” Gingrich just went the fuck off on CNN’s debate moderator, who was powerless to refute this advanced life form’s bile-inducing turpitude (or turpitudinous bile.)

Newt “Why Won’t Black People Let Me Help Them?” Gingrich is “appalled” and finds it “despicable” that CNN would dare ask a serial adulterer about allegations one of his ex-wives just made that he had the balls to actually ask her for an open marriage after he got caught cheating. Newt “‘Death Star’ Is Your Wording, Not Mine” Gingrich is “astounded” that CNN would dignify such “trash” with precious runtime on this particular episode of Who Wants to Get Assraped by a Black Man This Fall? (favorite episodes include I’m Herman Cain and I Can Speak Cuban! and The One Where Rick Perry Forgot How to Breathe.)

Newt “(My first wife who I ditched wasn’t) young enough or pretty enough to be the wife of the President. And besides, she has cancer.” (that one’s actually a real fucking quote) just got a cacophonous clamor of clapping from the redneck seals in the audience, and probably just won himself the South Carolina primary.

And so the heroic campaign that begin with the rallying cry “A broom for every student!” soldiers on. Godspeed, You Fat Emperor. Godspeed.

People Are Stupid, Part Again
January 18, 2012

Theaters giving refunds to people complaining about the lack of dialogue… in a silent film.

*shakes head*

The film industry needs to stop indulging these people who, as the article points out, also bitched about all the readin’ in Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. I know people who were similarly outraged upon entering theaters to see Pan’s Labyrinth and Hero. The proper response to this type of shamelessly unlettered whining is something like this warning sign, which one theater posted after being inundated with moviegoers unhappy with The Tree of Life’s unconventional narrative approach. Either that, or a simple, “Fuck off, Billy Jo.”

It’s not just select theaters catering to the embarrassing ignorance and illiteracy of their customers, though – it’s the studios as well, with their ever-increasing propensity to remake or readapt films that are perfectly well done but suffer from the egregious sin of being *gasp* in a different language. The entire Millennium Trilogy has already been adapted into a well-received series of Swedish films, yet Hollywood saw fit to throw David Fincher a boatload of money with which to film his own version of The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo. It was only a few years ago that Martin Scorsese’s “re-imagining” of the Chinese-produced Infernal Affairs won him unending praise under the new title The Departed.

Cameron Crowe’s Vanilla Sky. Christopher Nolan’s Insomnia. Gore Verbinski’s The Ring. The hiring of big name American directors to refilm foreign productions to make them accessible to lazy people isn’t just a shameful capitulation to the baser elements of Americana, it’s downright xenophobic and insulting to the artists behind the originals. “Sorry, Mr. Slanty Eyes Chinese Director, but your movie’s in the wrong language. Here, I’ll fix it. Then the Real American Moviegoers Who Actually Matter will be able to go see it!”

Fuck that middling parochial bullshit. Keep foreign films subtitled. Make people who want to see them do so as intended. Stop giving refunds to conservative slobs who can’t handle anything that’s not just a slightly different flavor of something they’ve already tasted, and stop imperializing the work of Chinese and Swedish and Danish and Japanese artists in order to make their work more palatable to people who aren’t worthy of experiencing it.

They already have NASCAR and talk radio. Keep them away from the movies.

What do you get
January 10, 2012

when you mix a cheesy 80s power ballad with Satan-worshiping sexmachine Tim Tebow?

Pretty much the worst thing since the Holocaust.