The Very Special 300th Post (or: My First Big Scoop!)

Almost three years after founding this venerable oasis of truth, earlier today the political gatekeepers finally deigned it proper to accord me the distinct honor (throws up) of asking a question of my new Tea Partyin’, true believin’, dyed-in-the-wool I’m-so-conservative-I’ll-fuck-my-sister-and-ask-for-a-reach-around-afterward congressman Robert L. “Bob” Turner.

I had very short notice: my assistant (read: brother) entered (read: barged into) my office (read: bedroom) and told me he’d arranged for me to ask a question of Mr. Turner about “beach erosion” (god bless the inventive little shit) on a conference call. Of course, I was only too happy to oblige. As I waited on hold, I quickly ran through the possibilities of what I could do with this opportunity. I could:

A) just tell him to go fuck himself or somesuch

B) ask a nasty question (ie. “Why are you conservatives so skullfuckingly stupid?”)

C) ask a legit question he’d never actually get from the lamestream media and put him on the spot unexpectedly

Option A would be fun, but rather crass and juvenile, even for me. Ditto option B. So I went with option C, asking Bingo Bob (and I made sure to call him Bob, rather than Congressman or Mr. Turner as all the other lemmings on the call were.) Here’s how it went down, some parts more paraphrased than others: (if the audio gets put up online I’ll be sure to link to it)

Screener: Our next question is about beach erosion.

Me: Hi, Bob.

Bob: Hello there.

Me: I know I’m supposed to ask about beach erosion, but listening to these other questions, I had another idea for what to talk about, so hopefully you don’t mind. In the past, the way it worked in Congress was that one side would want to do something that cost money, and one side wouldn’t, and they’d have it out, debate the merits, and then vote. But once the matter passed, if it passed, it was settled – everyone sat down and figured out how to pay for it. Your Republican party doesn’t do that anymore. Whenever they lose the vote battle, as they did with health care, and they know they don’t have the votes to repeal it, they just say “We’re gonna have a de facto repeal by blocking you from being able to pay for it.” You guys did the same thing with the debt ceiling a few months ago – you threatened to send the country into default because you didn’t want to pay the bills. So my question is, when are you guys going to start governing normally again, where once you’ve already committed to buying something it actually gets paid for?

Bob: Well, it is being paid, by our grandchildren… we’re borrowing forty cents on every dollar… Obamacare… we need to stop spending… liberal… Obama… forty cents on every dollar… thank you.

Me: …you didn’t answer my question, you useless sack of shit.

Alas, my parting shot didn’t go through, as once my question was out I was cut off from speaking further. Thus Bob got to hem and haw and duck and dodge while regurgitating every stupid fucking right wing economic talking point, none of which have any basis in reality or relevance to my question. Naturally, his answer contained neither, either. And so I can’t really put up here his exact words, or even a close facsimile of his words, because after about ten seconds (about the time I realized he had no intention of actually addressing the question) I just tuned out.

Bob, the point of the question is that it doesn’t matter if you think the United States spends too much money once that money is necessary to pay for shit that’s already on the books. The Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act was given a fair vote – it passed. The measures are already being put into place. You can’t just not pay for them.

Same goes for raising the debt ceiling. You may not have wanted to spend so much money that the country had a budget shortfall, but that’s how shit ended up going down through the voting. The government needed to borrow more money in order to meet its already agreed-upon obligations. Just because you think that sucks doesn’t mean you get to ignore the bill when it comes due.

Put simply, Bob Turner is the guy who thinks it’s okay to walk out on the check because he’s mad that everyone at the table ordered such expensive dishes.

So, after all that, there’s your headline: “Dumb Republican is Dumb”

I should’ve just told him to go fuck himself.