Of constitutions and brined foods

American Constitution: absolutely shredded after we successfully assassinated an American citizen with no due process and wholly on the whim of our president.

My constitution: absolutely dandy, even after consuming lots of vodka, tomatoes, olives and jalapeno poppers.

Conclusion: like most things, the American Constitution would’ve been better with more involvement from me.

In other news that’s totally irrelevant to all of our everyday lives, the media for some reason is busy speculating as to whether Chris Christie will run for president, clearly unaware that morbidly obese people are incapable of running at all.

(Bonus Chris Christie fat jokes/reasons he won’t run for president: he’d have to leave his lucrative leading role on the hit CBS sitcom Mike and Molly, and we’d need a whole new stimulus to pay for widening all the doors in the White House.)