Archive for October, 2011

October 31, 2011

Obama def. Romney in 2012. Book it.

Cain flames out. Perry makes a comeback but can’t quite pull it off. Mittens get the nom and loses by a fairly close margin, because while he’s somewhat palatable to independents, the base just can’t stomach the guy. And so in a bad economy, where challengers are usually a slam-dunk, the incumbent survives.

What sucks about this is that while Obama will be reelected, because the GOP will lose with the milquetoast Mormon, they still won’t have gotten the necessary wakeup call that’ll make them look into the mirror and see what a circus they’ve become. For that to happen, for them not to have the “Well, that’s what happens when we don’t nominate a REAL conservative” excuse (their defense for losing with McCain last time around) they need to nominate and lose with an honest to god Jesus-lovin’, anti-book-learnin’, non-taxin’, cousin-fuckin’ red state retard.

Cain’d fit the bill. So would Perry. Unfortunately, they’re too retarded to get the nom. And so by process of elimination we’ll be left with Mittens, who after his loss can strip down to his magic Mormon underwear and go diving into his millions Scrooge McDuck-style.

And discover that yes, even robots can cry.


October 28, 2011

“…you gotta be fucking kidding me.”

Best World Series game ever.

See ya tomorrow night.

Oh, right, that guy
October 27, 2011

His face, like Nixon’s, should probably be shamefully totemic.

Yet subjected to repeated shots of Bush, interpolating them into the game as I would any other recognizable face in a baseball stadum, I rarely think “arch-fiend doodler” or even “apocalyptic klutz.” He’s utterly harmless, and actually, seems natural in a way he never did while attempting to run the country… He’s no different from any number of Texas oil brats who went off and had themselves an adventure, one that involved sizable failures but never a crisis of confidence.

Like us, he seems glad the whole thing is over.

This Deadspin article, excerpted above, does a tremendous job of describing how it feels seeing The Decider night after night at the World Series. It’s not the outrage one would expect (and the man certainly deserves.)

For someone who pissed away a surplus and exploded the debt, racked up enormous deficits with tax cuts for those who didn’t them, sent thousands of American troops to their deaths via unnecessary and buffoonishly managed wars of hegemony, dragged our national reputation through the blood of Gitmo and Abu Ghraib, and was utterly unprepared to prevent and subsequently deal with the 9/11 attacks and Hurricane Katrina and the ’08 financial crisis, *deep breath*, for all his sins, when I look at George W. Bush my reaction isn’t one of anger or revulsion.

It’s an eyeroll. A “pfft.” An “Oh, right, that guy.” Maybe two out of three together. But not anything more.

Being reminded of the Bush presidency is like thinking back to something really, really dumb you did as a kid. It was wrongheaded and unpleasant and you’ll never do it again.


The Douchebag Factor
October 26, 2011

No, not this guy’s show. The one this more highfalutin-y titled article refers to as “the last place aversion.”

The federal minimum wage of $7.25 an hour sucks. I mean, it really fucking sucks. Extrapolate it to cover 40 hours per week/50 weeks per year and you get annual earnings of $14,500.

Anyway, so what kind of mean-spirited asshats oppose raising this self evidently absurdly low figure? It’s not the people making the minimum/even less, for obvious reasons. It’s not even the people making a lot more, as you might expect; on this issue, the wealthy are actually “fairly supportive.”

So who are the assholes in question? Those making “just above the minimum wage, between $7.26 and $8.25.” Yep: it’s just that damn important to people that they have someone else to look down on, someone else even shittier off than they are of whom they can say, “Man, I’m fucked, but that guy is fucked.”

I could understand it better if it were wealthy people who were most opposed. “Make ’em work,” “up by your bootstraps,” “not my problem,” etc. It’s a stupid attitude, an ignorant attitude, and certainly a dickish attitude, but I could at least see an explanation for it: they’re so removed from the financial hardships, the cycle of poverty, the near total standstill that class mobility has come to since the election of Pope Ronnie I that they’re pretty much cognitively incapable of understanding the cruel irony of these peoples’ hamsters-on-a-wheel-esque lives: always on the run, but never moving forward.

But for the people who are only the barest bit better off, those who at the highest end of the $7.26 – $8.25 per hour bracket bring home all of $2,000 more annually than someone making the minimum and who struggle with virtually all the same problems as their slightly more-fucked brethren, for them to be the ones that most vociferously object to a raise, for sheer pettiness and disempathy to win out over compassion and commiseration when it comes to your fellow sufferers…

Ah well. People are alike all over.

That whole new daily feature thing?
October 25, 2011

It has its own page, right next to the Important Things to Know section (which some of you have clearly neglected to read, judging by the questions/comments I get in person that’ve already been addressed therein. Shame, shame.)

Obviously the last thing I want this place to become is cluttered and unfocused.

I’ll try to actually keep this up
October 24, 2011

If I’m going to post as infrequently as I have, the least I can do is not make checking this blog on any given day completely unproductive. So here’s a new daily feature: a line/s from an artistic work I recommend, along with a link to further info should the line perk your interest. These excerpts may be prose or dialogue, funny or smart, poignant or profound (if I ever find one that fits all of those then it’s probably the best line ever written) (particularly since something that manages to be both dialogue and prose at once is a logical impossibility.)

Anyway, these selections will try to be as unuseless as possible. I’m not gonna post a Holden Caulfield quote about phoniness, or a certain celestial-traversing farmboy’s denial of his genealogy; what’d be the point? No, the stuff I’ll highlight is designed to pique your interest in something new that you’re maybe on the fence about, or something old that you might not be aware of, or anything in between that’s struck my fancy and I think is worth a look.

Anyway, here’s the first:

“She has the face of Buddha and the heart of a scorpion.”

– Raise the Red Lantern (1991)

No need to thank me
October 18, 2011


Imagine my surprise when, after arriving home from a long day of the grind standard nonsense I discovered in my mailbox a letter from… the Republican National Committee! Upon hurriedly tearing open the envelope, I was presented with a rousing three page-long treatise on the horrors our current nigger commander in chief is attempting to inflict upon us Real Americans: clean energy. Slightly higher taxes on millionaires. A new jobs creation bill (in the middle of a nationwide unemployment crisis – what a dope!)

Also included was the “2011 Obama Agenda Survey,” which I was practically begged to fill out. No need; your humble blogger was more than happy to do so. Naturally, I also took the time to edit a few of their questions for clarity, as well as added a few suggestions/bits of commentary (I’m helpful like that. It’s just how I roll). Doubtless their thanks will be multitudinous. Click to embiggen:

EDIT: Holy shit, I forgot the best part! Check out the return envelope:

Unbelievable – these fuckers don’t even want to pay the return postage. The Republican Party is actually crying poverty!

Also worth pointing out: these people kinda want to totally destroy the United States postal service. Man, if they’re too cheap to pay the 44ยข a stamp costs, what the fuck are they gonna do if they get rid of the post office and have to start sending their shit via FedEx or UPS?

Oh, there I go, thinking again.

Of constitutions and brined foods
October 2, 2011

American Constitution: absolutely shredded after we successfully assassinated an American citizen with no due process and wholly on the whim of our president.

My constitution: absolutely dandy, even after consuming lots of vodka, tomatoes, olives and jalapeno poppers.

Conclusion: like most things, the American Constitution would’ve been better with more involvement from me.

In other news that’s totally irrelevant to all of our everyday lives, the media for some reason is busy speculating as to whether Chris Christie will run for president, clearly unaware that morbidly obese people are incapable of running at all.

(Bonus Chris Christie fat jokes/reasons he won’t run for president: he’d have to leave his lucrative leading role on the hit CBS sitcom Mike and Molly, and we’d need a whole new stimulus to pay for widening all the doors in the White House.)