Archive for September, 2011

The Subterranean Bar
September 22, 2011

(re: the Republican debate that just wrapped)

I just don’t know how much lower they can go. And I almost don’t want to say that, because it seems like every time I do, they take it as a challenge.

And they are very, very competitive, give them that.

Give them that, and nothing else.

Give them no sincerity. No intellectual honesty. No shame. No humanity. Sorry, fresh out, fuck off, thanks for your vote.

Herman Cain says he wouldn’t have survived cancer under Obamacare, not understanding that someone with his wealth can afford any damn health care he wants. Michelle Bachmann won’t take back her assertion at the last debate that Rick Perry made little girls in Texas retarded by asking their parents to have them vaccinated. Perry can’t even manage to call Mitt Romney the flip-flopper he is without mangling the English language that Newt Gingrich wants to force immigrants to speak under pain of having to read his awful historical fiction. It just goes on and on.

It’s been said that at a certain point parody of a subject becomes impossible, simply because the reality itself is already so damned ridiculous. (Example: Spaceballs is a parody of Star Wars, but over the years George Lucas has fucked up Star Wars so much that we’re fast approaching the point where it will essentially become Spaceballs itself.) We’re at that point with the modern day GOP. They’re so fucking crazy that I can’t parody them. Here, I’ll try:

Michelle Bachmann: “I don’t believe in taxes.”

Ron Paul: “Uninsured? You took the risk. You can go die.”

Rick Perry: “Old? No money? Deal with it.”

You: “Great parody!”

Me: “It’s not a parody. These people actually believe these things.”

You: “Yeah?”

Me: “Yeah.”

You: “Shit, man… wow.”

Well said, You. “Wow” is right.

But lets reserve our most poisonous venom for the crowds at these debates. At least the politicians have a potential excuse – they may (and I stress *may*) not believe *all* the batshit they pile up in front of their podiums. They could conceivably just be appeasing the crowds, who with their cruelty and bloodthirst bring to mind no audience so ignoble as the hordes of the Colosseum.

In debates past they’ve cheered mass executions and leaving the sick to rot in the streets. Tonight they booed the video appearance of a gay solider (who, incidentally, looked like he could tear the head off of you, me and any one of those bigots/closet-cases (many of them are likely both.) This only two days after the official end of the profoundly mean-spirited Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell policy. So much for being pro-military. So much for patriotism.

So much for sanity.


Good thing he resigned
September 14, 2011

Otherwise Democrats could’ve… lost his seat.

Special thanks to all the clueless, reactionary and above all fucking stupid “liberals” in my district who crossed over to the Dark Side, particularly the mentally unwell Orthodox Jews, dependable as always in putting Israeli interests above those of their own country.

Oh, but wait. They had another good reason:

At Turner’s Election Night event at the Roma View Restaurant in Howard Beach… an Orthodox Jewish man quietly circulated among the reporters who were there, handing out fliers from a manila envelop saying the message of the election was that religious Jews were “deeply hurt and betrayed” by David Weprin’s vote in the legislature in favor of same-sex marriage.

The Gays. Again. This was one of the turncoat Orthodox Jews’ big issues: Lance marrying Julian (those are still the go-to stereotypical gay names, right?). I guess you can’t blame them. I mean, how can you expect Jewish people to sympathize with the plight of a historically persecuted minority?

You know, when someone with a last name ending in -stein is muttering to himself in frustration about the “fuckin’ Jews…” something has gone terribly, terribly wrong.

And that something is my district.

(ed. note: My brother’s Bar Mitzvah reception was at Roma View. Somehow this is probably all his fault.)

September 1, 2011

I’ve defended George Lucas before over the largely inconsequential alterations he’s made to the original Star Wars trilogy over the years, but there’s no defending this, no brushing it off as “meh, whatever;” this ‘fix’ to Return of the Jedi may very well be the most egregious edit in the entire history of cinema.

The only explanation I can come up with is that George Lucas is an honest to god sadomasochist. I hope the perverse pleasure you’ve derived has been worth it, sir. Your “improvement” is truly something to behold.