Archive for May, 2011

No shit it didn’t work
May 19, 2011

Katie Couric parts ways with the CBS Evening News because no one watched because her name was fucking Katie. I don’t care how misogynistic that sounds. I’ll buy lemonade from a girl named Katie. I’ll drop change in a UNICEF box for a girl named Katie. I’ll laugh at a sitcom cheerleader character named Katie. But take them seriously? Not a fucking chance.

I don’t want my news from a girl named Katie any more than I want it from a guy named Cody, or a girl named Melanie or a guy named Skip, or any other ridiculously unserious name someone was unfortunate enough to have been saddled with at birth. And the alliterative last name? Christ on a cracker, the deck was stacked against her from the start.

And what am I saying; it’s not even like Katie was her given name. With some people it’s not their fault, but Katherine Couric chose to shorten her name to the more cutesy and welcoming Katie to suit the cutesy and welcoming persona required for the cutesy and retarded Today Show. The clear lesson here: if you hope to one day be taken seriously in broadcasting, play it halfway – she should’ve gone with Kate.

Advertisements

Random Things
May 17, 2011

– the above is the best children’s book since Grover’s foray into medicine. The variant I heard as a kid from my own parents was, “Go to fucking sleep!” (I eventually leveraged their annoyance into a a bunk bed. I was quite the savvy/spoiled child.) The book isn’t out yet, but there’s a torrent of copies floating around the net.

– fat idiot and lazy tweeter Newt Gingrich gets drenched in glitter. No further description necessary.

– Seth MacFarlane is rebooting The Flintstones… and I just died a little inside. It’s sadly bewildering – MacFarlane is smart, funny and seems to have a genuine appreciation for entertainment as an art form… and yet with few exceptions his creative output is obscenely stupid and unfunny mass-produced schlock.

*sigh* I need a smoke.

Is it wrong
May 14, 2011

that I think less of anyone who believes in a personal god, works in finance, is grossly overweight, self-identifies as a conservative, doesn’t read (or only reads young adult or transgressive fiction), frequently uploads/tags people in Facebook photos, enjoys nightclubs in a non-meta way, lists SportsCenter as one of their favorite shows or Fight Club as one of their favorite movies, consistently makes linguistic gaffes such as “pundint” or “athuhlete,” doesn’t appreciate good beer, can’t name a majority of supreme court justices, gets legitimately angry over sports, lives of their own volition in a red state, is unfamiliar with pre-1980 films aside from Star Wars and Rocky, judges pitchers by their win totals, uses the word “intellectual” as a pejorative or illegally downloads music/movies but won’t admit they’re pirating intellectual property?

Nah.

I can’t stop laughing
May 13, 2011

at this. I really, really can’t. The “one of a kind” preface followed swiftly by the total obliteration of the thing (a phonograph cylinder, and then the capper, the shaky-handed old man, utterly distraught and left grasping for words.

Perfect. It was perfect.

I know I say it often
May 11, 2011

but this really might be the most flat-out, balls-to-the-wall dumbest thing I have ever heard:

“With regard to the idea of whether you have a right to health care, you have realize what that implies. It’s not an abstraction. I’m a physician. That means you have a right to come to my house and conscript me. It means you believe in slavery. It means that you’re going to enslave not only me, but the janitor at my hospital, the person who cleans my office, the assistants who work in my office, the nurses… You have a right to beat down my door with the police, escort me away and force me to take care of you.”

That’s from Senator Rand Paul, who’s just as crazy as his dad but doesn’t even share any of the few good ideas Ron actually has (eg. legalizing marijuana, getting the government out of the marriage business). The guy’s a Tea Party toolbag on every conceivable level, and this type of stupid, and I mean fucking stupid rhetoric can serve as Exhibits A-Z as to just why these people are such reality-challenged asshats.

Let’s take another tact with this:

“With regard to the idea of whether you have a right to (personal security), you have realize what that implies. It’s not an abstraction. I’m a (cop). That means you have a right to come to my house and conscript me. It means you believe in slavery. It means that you’re going to enslave not only me, but the janitor at my (precinct), the person who cleans my (precinct), the assistants who work in my (precinct), the (911 operators)… You have a right to beat down my door with the police, escort me away and force me to (protect you).”

or how about:

“With regard to the idea of whether you have a right to (not have your house burn down), you have realize what that implies. It’s not an abstraction. I’m a (firefighter). That means you have a right to come to my house and conscript me. It means you believe in slavery. It means that you’re going to enslave not only me, but the janitor at my (firehouse), the person who cleans my (firehouse), the assistants who work in my (firehouse), the (911 operators)… You have a right to beat down my door with the police, escort me away and force me to take care of you.”

Actually, fuck it, let’s go with an even closer analogy:

“With regard to the idea of whether you have a right to (EMS), you have realize what that implies. It’s not an abstraction. I’m a physician. That means you have a right to come to my house and conscript me. It means you believe in slavery. It means that you’re going to enslave not only me, but the janitor at my hospital, the person who cleans my office, the assistants who work in my office, the nurses… You have a right to beat down my door with the police, escort me away and force me to take care of you.”

What’s the difference? Assuming we accept the premise, what part of Senator Stupid’s statement about healthcare would not, by the same line of logic, also apply to emergency services, specifically medical emergencies? What, it’s not slavery when someone needs immediate help with their health? Then it’s all cool in the pool to “beat down a doctor’s door and force him to take care of you?”

When you can comparatively illustrate someone’s rank clownery by changing all of two words it really says something: not only are you a heartless, mean-spirited, classist douchebag – you’re also not too bright. Which puts him right at home, doesn’t it?

orly
May 10, 2011

Americans get raped in the ass when it comes to healthcare. I totally did not know this.

Still, this chart is worthwhile because it rips apart every conservative/Republican/idiot talking point about how it’s government regulation or malpractice suits or having so many old people that are to blame for our outrageous healthcare costs when it is, has been and will always be because we’ve turned people’s health into a goddamned commodity.

It is America, alone in the developed world, that so deifies the dollar and so blindly fellates the free market that we treat people’s well-being as something to be bought and sold and advertised like any other nonessential product. It is America alone that has a major political party so many brews short of a six pack that it’s stumbled and bumbled its way to redefining the entire left-right-middle spectrum for our country, dragging the scale so far to the right that the same single payer system that every other developed country in the world has adopted some variant of is here considered FAR LEFT SOCIALIST BIG GUBBIMMENT in most mainstream circles.

As with, well, everything, conservatives get it wrong. The almighty free market isn’t the best way to provide people’s healthcare for the simple reason that, being of the free market and all, its chief concern isn’t the quality and affordability of its products and services. Its main concern, in fact its only concern, are its profits – minimizing costs and maximizing gains. Nowhere does the welfare of the consumer enter into this equation. Christ, isn’t this pretty self-evident stuff?

But then, we’re talking conservatives here, whose stock and trade is denying that which is self evident, shutting their eyes, covering their ears and screaming LALALALA FREE MARKET LALALALA LIBERTY I CAN’T HEAR YOU SOCIALISM. It’s all part of the same bullshit business-can-do-no-wrong mantra they trot out whenever Democrats/liberals/smart people talk about government stimuli and tax increases/the closing of loopholes for businesses. “Let businesses do what they do best: create jobs,” they crow. Which they don’t, of course; what they do best is make money for themselves. Every CEO in America would ejaculate rainbows if, tomorrow, they could fire 95% of their workforce and completely automate their production lines. Again, self-evident. Again, right over their heads.

There’s an old saying I just made up: “The man who sees one thing when all others see another is either a prophet or a madman.”

These people may be blind, but they are no prophets.

(And yes, it was super-hard not making a lame prophet/profit pun at the end there.)

Going Overboard
May 3, 2011

Donald Trump, on his opposition to same sex marriage:

“It’s like in golf. A lot of people — I don’t want this to sound trivial — but a lot of people are switching to these really long putters, very unattractive. It’s weird. You see these great players with these really long putters, because they can’t sink three-footers anymore. And, I hate it. I am a traditionalist. I have so many fabulous friends who happen to be gay, but I am a traditionalist.”

Well said, Donnie. Gay marriage and golf do have something in common – they’re both totally gay.

And you’re a total fucking stooge.

OBAMA DEAD
May 1, 2011

Oh, right – I’m *not* Fox News.

But really, leaking the news of bin Laden’s death during The Celebrity Apprentice – well played, Mr. President. Well played indeed.

EDIT 12:28 AM:

I won’t take credit cuz it was an easy joke, but are you fucking kidding me? I mean, I know it’s Fox, but they’re still a professional big news organization – wouldn’t you think some semblance of the following would’ve gone out from their news directors immediately after this story broke?

Hey guys –

Whatever you do, don’t misspell Osama as Obama. It’s what everyone who hates Fox News is joking about/expecting us to do. If we’re going to make a mistake it’s gotta be anything but that, okay? ANYTHING BUT THAT.

Guess not.