Why bother?

The clown always gets back up.

Earlier this morning President Obama released his real real birth certificate (his regular real one was already released almost three years ago) in an effort to finally, finally shut up Trump and Beck and Rush and all the other right wing cranks whose vocabularies are as monosyllabic as their names and who have been tacitly or explicitly demanding more proof of presidential eligibility than anyone has ever been asked for.

Can you blame them? He is, after all, a nigger radical/socialist/Marxist/Muslim/other ciphers for nigger.

Upon the release of this realer-than-real document that’s even more prima facie than the first prima facie document, all the conservative asshats admitted they were wrong and moved on to more serious matters.

On opposite day.

Today, however, Trump moved on to demanding the President produce his high school records (because, being a black guy, he couldn’t possibly have earned his way into the Ivy League colleges he attended), the “intellectual” stewards of conservatism (I just threw up in my mouth) over at National Review complained that it took so long for him to produce something he was under no obligation to produce, and the Republican establishment whined that he spent a few minutes further debunking a conspiracy theory over half their Looney Toons base has bought into.

The clown always gets back up.

Amongst all the batfuckery that goes on in right wing circles, amidst all the voodoo economics and creationism and climate change denial, it is the conservative inability to accept any sort of loss whatsoever that stands out as an insect amongst (mental) midgets. Their fat drug addict in chief has articulated his lemmings’ mindset best on many occasions: “conservatism can’t lose.” It just. Plain. Can’t.

Ah, you say, but conservatism does lose, right? In four of the last five presidential elections more people wanted the Democrat in the White House than the Republican. So how does the Pied Piper of Pabulum square this to his mouth-breathing base? The first part is a swift declaration of denunciation, castigating all Republican electoral losses as the product of nominees who aren’t sufficiently conservative. Convenient, isn’t it? Conservatism never loses because if it loses then it wasn’t really conservatism. Sort of a reversal of this guy’s famous epigram.

And so the conservative loser is quickly brushed aside as having never really been conservative to begin with. Part II is much more involving: a concerted, long-term effort to delegitimatize the liberal victor (no matter how liberal the victor actually is; remember, for all the Rush’s out there, anyone to the left of Strom Thurmond or Jesse Helms is a godless Marxist faggot.) Once again they play the “conservatism can’t lose” card, and so if it did lose then something must be egregiously, fundamentally, cosmically wrong!

The evil usurping liberal winner must be a real estate crook! Wait, he’s not? Well then, he must be a murderer!. Shit, he’s not? Oh, I’ve got it! Remember that time he got head from some fat intern under the desk in the Oval Office and then lied about it in a small-time civil suit that had absolutely nothing to do with governance? Lets call it a high crime and impeach him!

Or, or, or the evil usurping liberal winner must be a radical/socialist/Marxist the likes of which this country has never seen, even though in practice he’s modeled himself after the moderate Republicans of the early 90s, before the party committed itself to a lifetime stay in Bellevue. And he’s secretly a *gasp* MUSLIM CAMEL JOCKEY TERRORIST WHO WANTS THE TERRORISTS TO WIN BECAUSE HE’S A TERRORIST, even though he’s, uh, not. And of course, the inspiration for this post to begin with – he wasn’t born here and so he can’t be president. Except he was, can be and is.

It is truly staggering, the cognitive dissonance required for these wackjob conservatives to call Bill Clinton and Barack Obama illegitimate presidents while at the same time fetishistically genuflecting at the altar of a president who genuinely should have been thrown out of office multiple times over and having most recently twice elected a president whose first win was highly dubious to begin with and also genuinely should have been thrown out of office multiple times over.

But that’s conservatism for you: proudly ignorant, impervious to logic, the enemy of knowledge and oblivious to reality. And so no, Mr. President. Showing them your long form birth certificate won’t satisfy them. They’ll just shift the goal posts, pull a new ‘scandal’ out of their collective asses and begin their work to destroy you anew.

Because the clown always gets back up.

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