Archive for April, 2011

Why bother?
April 27, 2011

The clown always gets back up.

Earlier this morning President Obama released his real real birth certificate (his regular real one was already released almost three years ago) in an effort to finally, finally shut up Trump and Beck and Rush and all the other right wing cranks whose vocabularies are as monosyllabic as their names and who have been tacitly or explicitly demanding more proof of presidential eligibility than anyone has ever been asked for.

Can you blame them? He is, after all, a nigger radical/socialist/Marxist/Muslim/other ciphers for nigger.

Upon the release of this realer-than-real document that’s even more prima facie than the first prima facie document, all the conservative asshats admitted they were wrong and moved on to more serious matters.

On opposite day.

Today, however, Trump moved on to demanding the President produce his high school records (because, being a black guy, he couldn’t possibly have earned his way into the Ivy League colleges he attended), the “intellectual” stewards of conservatism (I just threw up in my mouth) over at National Review complained that it took so long for him to produce something he was under no obligation to produce, and the Republican establishment whined that he spent a few minutes further debunking a conspiracy theory over half their Looney Toons base has bought into.

The clown always gets back up.

Amongst all the batfuckery that goes on in right wing circles, amidst all the voodoo economics and creationism and climate change denial, it is the conservative inability to accept any sort of loss whatsoever that stands out as an insect amongst (mental) midgets. Their fat drug addict in chief has articulated his lemmings’ mindset best on many occasions: “conservatism can’t lose.” It just. Plain. Can’t.

Ah, you say, but conservatism does lose, right? In four of the last five presidential elections more people wanted the Democrat in the White House than the Republican. So how does the Pied Piper of Pabulum square this to his mouth-breathing base? The first part is a swift declaration of denunciation, castigating all Republican electoral losses as the product of nominees who aren’t sufficiently conservative. Convenient, isn’t it? Conservatism never loses because if it loses then it wasn’t really conservatism. Sort of a reversal of this guy’s famous epigram.

And so the conservative loser is quickly brushed aside as having never really been conservative to begin with. Part II is much more involving: a concerted, long-term effort to delegitimatize the liberal victor (no matter how liberal the victor actually is; remember, for all the Rush’s out there, anyone to the left of Strom Thurmond or Jesse Helms is a godless Marxist faggot.) Once again they play the “conservatism can’t lose” card, and so if it did lose then something must be egregiously, fundamentally, cosmically wrong!

The evil usurping liberal winner must be a real estate crook! Wait, he’s not? Well then, he must be a murderer!. Shit, he’s not? Oh, I’ve got it! Remember that time he got head from some fat intern under the desk in the Oval Office and then lied about it in a small-time civil suit that had absolutely nothing to do with governance? Lets call it a high crime and impeach him!

Or, or, or the evil usurping liberal winner must be a radical/socialist/Marxist the likes of which this country has never seen, even though in practice he’s modeled himself after the moderate Republicans of the early 90s, before the party committed itself to a lifetime stay in Bellevue. And he’s secretly a *gasp* MUSLIM CAMEL JOCKEY TERRORIST WHO WANTS THE TERRORISTS TO WIN BECAUSE HE’S A TERRORIST, even though he’s, uh, not. And of course, the inspiration for this post to begin with – he wasn’t born here and so he can’t be president. Except he was, can be and is.

It is truly staggering, the cognitive dissonance required for these wackjob conservatives to call Bill Clinton and Barack Obama illegitimate presidents while at the same time fetishistically genuflecting at the altar of a president who genuinely should have been thrown out of office multiple times over and having most recently twice elected a president whose first win was highly dubious to begin with and also genuinely should have been thrown out of office multiple times over.

But that’s conservatism for you: proudly ignorant, impervious to logic, the enemy of knowledge and oblivious to reality. And so no, Mr. President. Showing them your long form birth certificate won’t satisfy them. They’ll just shift the goal posts, pull a new ‘scandal’ out of their collective asses and begin their work to destroy you anew.

Because the clown always gets back up.


New Rule
April 25, 2011

When you’re calling someone else stupid, don’t get the aphorism wrong, like this douche did:

“Well, he’s not the brightest bulb on the planet.”

– Donald Trump

Trump was responding to Robert De Niro’s quite accurate labeling of him as more or less an idiot.

It’s “not the brightest bulb in the box,” or “not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree,” or probably a few other versions that I haven’t heard/can’t recall, but it’s certainly not “not the brightest bulb on the planet,” for the same reason it’s “not the sharpest knife in the drawer,” or “not the sharpest tool in the shed,” instead of “not the sharpest tool/knife on the planet.” If you’re going to go all clever-analogous on us you’ve gotta figure out how to do it all the way through, instead of starting off with a pseudo-anthropomorphic metaphor before finishing with a literal-

Fuck it, I’m not explaining this. Donald Trump is a fucking moron, and if you don’t already know this then you probably are too. 🙂

Read This Shit
April 21, 2011

“You taught me language, and my profit on it is, I know how to curse.”

The Evolution of Bruno Littlemore contains some 600 pages of transcribed memoirs as dictated by its eponymous protagonist, a witty, irascible, observant, lovelorn and altogether fascinating chimpanzee taught to speak the language of humans. They are not an easy 600 pages – Bruno speaks with all the garulity and haughtiness we reluctantly expect from those who are both brilliant and arrogant. They are however an entirely worthwhile 600 pages, and they are the best (newly published) 600 pages I have read in a very long time.

At book’s start, present day adult Bruno begins his spiel with a recollection of his liberation from the zoo in Chicago he has called home as a child and his entrance into a university program attempting to foster the acquisition of human language by primates. He goes on to detail his singular success amongst his peers, his loving and lustful obsession with a young grad student named Lydia, his eventual ‘graduation’ into the human world outside of a lab, and ultimately his sad and violent fall from independence and back into captivity. Along the way he relates countless inspired observations of both humans and chimps and sometimes the beauty but more often the absurdity of their respective worlds.

It’s Bruno’s inimitable (and frequently hilarious) observations that turn his story into something more than just another throwaway Planet of the Apes-imitating social parable, where it’s quickly apparent there’s no substance beneath the surface of the human/ape mashup gimmick. By applying his scrutinous outsider perception to even the most mundane aspects of our lives, Bruno illuminates humanity’s seemingly boundless capacity for vanity and selfishness, and challenges our unshakable, species-wide certitude that we occupy a place of singular height and greatness in the natural world.

To touch upon the book’s wordiness again, and assuming Noam Chomsky is not amongst this blog’s regular readers, I suspect there is no one reading this who would not be sent scrambling to the dictionary at least a few times were they to attempt wading through Bruno’s prodigious prose. Not exactly light reading; not something you absentmindedly skim through a few pages at a time between American Idol commercials. Bruno is a chatty chimp, with many things to say and even more words to say them with. But in the middle years of his life Bruno has learned the lesson that a little self-deprecation goes a long way, and the admonishments and face-palming he heaps throughout his narrative on his younger, more intemperate self go a long way toward making his ramblings not just more sufferable, but an outright pleasure. This chimp is fun to listen to.

Beyond the linguistic barrier, the content of Bruno’s story may well present a challenge in itself for some readers. He regales us with his sexual escapades in graphic, graphic detail (out of respect to him I’ll refrain from calling it bestiality, a term he hates, but yeah, it’s bestiality). There’s also a forced abortion described with similar clarity, as well as his celebratory play-by-play of the moment when he shaves off all his hair in the bathtub and then jerks off onto the bathroom mirror.

To the squeamish: man up and read the fucking book. It’s really, really great, masturbating chimp and all.

The Consolidation of Duties (or: my treatise on the exploitation of labor)
April 16, 2011

is coming very soon.

I know you all await with baited breath, but I want to get this even righter than usual, and so it will take some extra time.

Rest assured it will be wordy, self-indulgent, and completely on the mark – that is, the usual.

Random Excellent Item of the Day
April 15, 2011

Quick Q&A
April 12, 2011

Your blog sucks lately.

I know.

What’s the deal?

I’m working full-time for like the first time ever.

That’s a bullshit excuse. Plenty of people manage to do both and do them well.

Well, go read their blogs, then.

Maybe I will.

You can’t, dipshit – you’re just an explicative device I made up.

You’re the one who can’t even win an argument against yourself – and I’m the dipshit?


Anyway, the blog’ll be better when I finish this job in a few weeks.

April 8, 2011

West Wing did it better.

Good night and fuck off
April 6, 2011

And don’t let the door rape you in the ass on the way out.

Line of the Day
April 3, 2011

“The whole premise of being a Republican is that somewhere in the middle of the night some poor person has a dollar that some rich man deserves.”

the guy who’s the subject of a forthcoming Aaron Sorkin show (again)