FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

The following represents the last best hope for the Oscars if they wish to stop being a crushing bore and start being fun again. Several (all?) of these suggestions are fairly obvious and were put forth years ago, when the top gays and women in the field of oscarology first recognized the signs signaling the onset of thisshowfuckingblowsitis, but perhaps hearing them from such an unimpeachable source as myself will hasten their implementation:

1) Get a comic to host. GET A COMIC TO HOST. The Oscars at their core are thousands of privileged celebrities and artists getting together to jerk themselves off; the importance of a talented comic to inject some self-deprecation into the proceedings cannot be overstated. Aaron Sorkin’s ego, Randy Newman’s gibberish, The King’s Speech‘s stereotypical Oscar-ness, Christian Bale’s bitchiness – all of these were winners who had easily mockable faults to exploit – none were. You need a comic who can write his own material and who’s able to ad-lib a barb or two or twenty throughout the show.

2) Relegate a few of the, for lack of a better descriptor, irrelevant categories to the untelevised tech show they hold several days in advance. Not to insult the people who make Animated, Live Action and Documentary Shorts, but this is a show. You put on a show for an audience, and I don’t think it’s hyperbole on my part when I say that nobody has watched these shorts, in the theater or at home, except for the people who are nominated in those categories. These three categories add nothing but run time; dump them.

3) Have some categories illustrated for the audience, preferably by some of the nominees. Show the sound mixers on the foley stage using objects you’d never imagine to create the sound effects they do. Show how the FX work in that scene from Inception where Leo and Ellen Page are having one of their many unlistenable conversations and all of a sudden shit starts exploding as they sit stoically in place. There’s a lot of tech awards – make people see why they’re actually relevant.

4) You have all the best actors from all the best movies of the year in one room… and the best you can do is show clips from those films? Get them to get on stage and have them fucking act! Get Tim Allen in a Buzz Lightyear costume tied down to a chair, being interrogated by someone in a giant Lotso Huggin’ Bear suit. Get Colin Firth and Geoffrey Rush up there and have them argue with each other about speech. Get Jesse Eisenberg and Andrew Garfield and Justin Timberlake up there and have them… argue with each other about Facebook. Leave the clips to YouTube plz.

5) Remember when the Best Song performances didn’t make you want to off yourself? I do. Now part of this problem is that when there were multiple brilliant Disney songs being nominated every year you’d get stuff like this, songs like “Be Our Guest” that naturally lend themselves to the kind of elaborate Broadway musical numbers that bring the house down. That period is dead, and by and large so are big musical numbers in films (not to mention Jerry Orbach). But still, you’ve gotta come up with something more than two people just standing there and singing at each other. How this fine scene from Tangled becomes this rote, joyless scene on stage is beyond me. What, it’d be that hard to have the actors in costume sitting in a mechanized boat as it glides over the floor? As an accomplished stage choreographer myself I can say with the utmost credibility that this can only be due to laziness on the part of my peers. Get on the ball, guys!

6) More Mickey Mouse and Tom Selleck collaborations.

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