How to write a college paper

The first thing—and this for obvious reasons—is that you must prefer “within” to “in.” “Within” is longer and takes up more space on the page; plus it’s a word that makes you sound smarter because it makes you sound smarter. So you begin thus: “Within the poem …”

That’s auspicious. But you have to produce five hundred words of analysis on “The Road Not Taken,” though had you been listening in class you’d know that that’s the one poem on which you may not write your analysis—and this, again, for obvious reasons: the professor is not interested in reading yet another paper about how deciding to play football your senior year in high school “made all the difference.”

But you’re an average undergraduate male with the IQ of an ADD-riddled geranium, so you proceed.

But first, pull out your phone and check for messages.

A stunningly and sadly accurate satire of the writing process and skills (or lack thereof (actually, fuck the “or,” it’s totally a lack thereof) of your average college undergrad.

It’s embarrassing, or would be if the people who wrote this way had the necessary mental acuity to understand what truly atrocious literary bile their stale phrasing, tone-deafness and (oddly) seeming complete unawareness of the contractions they use in everyday speech makes for.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I think my BlackBerry just beeped.

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