Archive for December, 2010

Because I haven’t done one of these in a while
December 27, 2010

“I pressed an F instead of a P and people freaked out.”

– Sarah Palin on her now infamous ‘refudiate’ gaffe

A perfectly reasonable explanation. It’s not like the F key is almost completely on the other side of the board from the P, or that there’s a video of her (2:30 mark) using the word in an interview.

Certainly it’s not a microcosm of her fundamental disconnect from reality as well as a mortifying refusal to acknowledge a single one of her myriad fuckups.

Nah, obviously just a typo.

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Merry Christmas!
December 24, 2010

Watch This Shit
December 20, 2010

I’ll have more to say on this beautiful, disturbing and bleakly funny film another time. For now it must suffice to christen Darren Aronofsky as officially the best filmmaker working today, and to fully absolve Natalie Portman for her sins in the Star Wars prequels.

Unlike that douchey sociopath in the Bible, who is arguably the most unpleasant character in all fiction, I am both a benevolent and forgiving deity.

(As a side note, is it silly that I felt a blush of cultural superiority upon the realization that this is Portman’s second film that draws heavily on the works of Tchaikovsky (V for Vendetta is the other)?

Don’t answer that.)

It may well be epistemic closure on my part
December 17, 2010

but I don’t care: I can’t fucking stand boxing movies.

A note: epistemic closure is smart-sounding flimflam for closed-mindedness.

A caveat: I love me some Rocky‘s, especially the last one, which had no business kicking as much ass as it did.

A qualifier: I take a certain amount of pride in the variety of my tastes. Amongst my favorite movies are The Empire Strikes Back, a piece of classic space opera, Amadeus, a three hour classical period piece, Speed Racer, a balls-to-the-wall action acid trip, and Y tu Mama Tambien, a fun and poignant coming of age Mexican film.

That’s a fairly eclectic cross-section, and I count as one of my strengths as a viewer/amateur (but very awesome) critic a sense of open-mindedness that allows me to fairly evaluate a film on its merits and precludes me from discriminating against it for its genre.

Except when it comes to boxing movies. Fuck boxing movies.

Watch this trailer for The Fighter. Observe how it includes every single hoary cliche in the whole damn book: the underdog battling for respect, the supportive, disgracefully regressive female love interest, the problematic, untalented brother, the generic, faux-inspirational music that climaxes just as each cast member’s name HITS THE SCREEN, the mortifying one-liner that serves as a convenient shorthand for me to use whenever I need to describe why this movie is so unwatchable for me: “I’m the one fighting! Nawt you, nawt you, and nawt you!”

I’m drunk and tired, this post is over. Fuck you, Marky Mark. Say hi to your mother for me.

How to write a college paper
December 16, 2010

The first thing—and this for obvious reasons—is that you must prefer “within” to “in.” “Within” is longer and takes up more space on the page; plus it’s a word that makes you sound smarter because it makes you sound smarter. So you begin thus: “Within the poem …”

That’s auspicious. But you have to produce five hundred words of analysis on “The Road Not Taken,” though had you been listening in class you’d know that that’s the one poem on which you may not write your analysis—and this, again, for obvious reasons: the professor is not interested in reading yet another paper about how deciding to play football your senior year in high school “made all the difference.”

But you’re an average undergraduate male with the IQ of an ADD-riddled geranium, so you proceed.

But first, pull out your phone and check for messages.

A stunningly and sadly accurate satire of the writing process and skills (or lack thereof (actually, fuck the “or,” it’s totally a lack thereof) of your average college undergrad.

It’s embarrassing, or would be if the people who wrote this way had the necessary mental acuity to understand what truly atrocious literary bile their stale phrasing, tone-deafness and (oddly) seeming complete unawareness of the contractions they use in everyday speech makes for.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I think my BlackBerry just beeped.

Evidence of Things Now Seen
December 14, 2010

– the above is only the slightest of exaggerations. The utter absence of any discernible sense of self-awareness in people, to the point where they will take the time to chronicle and publish the smallest, the most inconsequential, the most inconceivably banal of non-events in their lives, is absolutely astounding.

Facebook is a disease; Mark Zuckerberg loosed upon the world a digitized bioweapon. I hope you are enjoying the results, sir. Your “social network” is truly something to behold.

Random Excellent Item of the Day
December 10, 2010

Credit where it’s due
December 10, 2010

I have written before of my distaste for Senator Joe Lieberman, the “Independent”/prudish water-carrier for insurance companies. But even a broken clock finds a nut, and here is Joe’s: Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.

Lieberman has been a tireless advocate of repealing the inconceivably stupid and repugnant policy that allows gays to serve in the military only so long as they never let slip that they’re gay, at which point they’re subject to summary dismissal. (Meanwhile, in a completely unrelated matter, this president supports a federal anti-discrimination law that would bar employers from firing someone because they’re gay… unless you’re the Commander in Chief of the military, aka the President, in which case it’s all good, boot those fags out on their stretched-hole asses.)

Anyway, Lieberman has, for many years, been perhaps the most consistently loud voice in opposing this grossly discriminatory policy, and has recently been working pretty much around the clock to get it repealed before the new Tea Party congress gets sworn in in January, thus killing such an effort for the next two years at least. Today he announced, after the latest effort at repeal failed in the Senate 57-40 (because only in the fucking United States Senate can something fail with a 57-40 majority) that he’d be making an effort to bring it up for a vote once again, and strongly urged his Congressional colleagues to forgo their holiday vacation time in order to keep the Senate in session and get this shit done.

I’m a big believer in giving credit where it’s due, whether the person who deserves it is typically a self-righteous gasbag or not. Joe Lieberman, on this anyway, deserves the respect of everyone who believes in affording basic human dignity to any and all persons regardless of who the fuck they want to fuck.

That is, all the sane people.

Startling similarities
December 7, 2010

The Emperor arrives at the Death Star.

The Pope arrives at the… Death Tent?

I’m going to become a Republican
December 6, 2010

Because by any and all indications, an intrinsic benefit to belonging to the GOP means that you get to be a dumb sack of shit with very few friends and yet somehow get everything you want and ever wanted.

Seriously – no Republican has ever heard and accepted the word “no.” They just bitch and moan and cut off America’s nose to spite its face (not that it ever has an effect on them, of course) and eventually the sad sack Democrats bend over and let them ramrod whatever inconceivably stupid idea they have straight up their spineless collective asses.

“The federal government is hemorrhaging money! This is grossly irresponsible, and the obvious answer is to give a big refund to millionaires in the middle of a recession when they’re the one group that doesn’t need any extra money!

Un. Fucking. Believable.

Eat a dick, Mr. President. You shouldn’t have to look too far for one; by the looks of your wife, she’s fucking packing.