Archive for November, 2010

Evidence of Things Now Seen
November 30, 2010

I have never had a Facebook, and I will never have a Facebook.

– 9/27/2010

Well. So much for that.

But, but, I won’t cede to a complete cave-in on this one. While I did create a Facebook account, I have yet to use it for anything I couldn’t have done without it. I’ve IM’d, I’ve messaged, I’ve confirmed for an event, but I haven’t written on a wall (nor can anyone write on mine), and I haven’t commented on, tagged myself or others, or uploaded a photo of myself from that upwardly outstretched-arm camera angle that fat girls use to hide their fatness and toolish guys use to not hide their toolishness.

The plan is to take advantage of the few useful, non-socially-masturbatory features that Facebook offers without getting sucked into the blaring cacophony of status nonupdates and pithy unwitticisms. Hopefully I’ll succeed. If I do not, if I fall to the dark side, then the little blurbs I plan to make a recurring feature, my observations as I probe ever deeper into the cesspool, will serve as a record that I was not always a self-obsessed voyeur (seems contradictory at first, and then you realize that voyeurism is ultimately and inherently self-obsessive, but that’s a topic for another day, class), but an earnest philanthropist of the mind who just wanted to leave the world a little less full of bullshit than he found it.

(I think my favorite part of this blog is rereading paragraphs like the one above and asking myself, Did I go too far? Does that cross the line from self-deprecation and self-parody into full-on dickish arrogance? And then I remember: Fuck that. I’m awesome. )

See you on Facebook, Friends!


You still can’t call him Shirley
November 29, 2010

But you can call him dead.

Leslie Nielsen was a tremendous comedic actor who had one of the best one-liners in history. Perhaps more impressively, he actually managed to pull off the name Leslie as a guy.

Get some rest, sir. You deserve it.

Random Excellent Item of the Day
November 28, 2010

Very bad form
November 26, 2010

I realize this small issue will likely interest none of you, but a short bit of righteous indignation won’t kill you, either.

Howard Ashman was the brilliant (brilliant) lyricist who penned the memorable songs for several films, including Little Shop of Horrors, The Little Mermaid, and (half of) Aladdin. He died well before his time while working on the last of those, and having just completed Beauty and the Beast. As a tribute to his work, when that movie ended it didn’t segue directly into the production credits; instead, the following placard appeared:

It was a classy move, a grateful and poignant posthumous send-off for a guy who deserved it.

Keyword: deserved. As in past tense. Apparently he no longer does, because this current Blu-ray release of Beast has been retrofitted to close with the traditional “Directed by” credit. You have to go all the way to the end of the credits to see Ashman’s blurb scroll by for a few seconds, accorded no more prominence or screen time than the Dolby Digital logo.

Yes, the message is still there, but placement isn’t trivial. Whereas before virtually everyone saw the message, being that it popped up right at the end of the movie, the exact opposite is now the case – who the hell sits all the way through the closing credits of a movie? Who the hell is now going to see the memorial to someone whose work we all know from childhood?

Howard Ashman is long dead and cares not for such things, so why should I trouble myself with them? I don’t know. There’s just something unseemly about it, about the decision being made to deliberately go back and reduce the prominence of an ostensibly heartfelt bit of gratitude to a creative genius.

It also occurs to me that without Ashman’s contributions in particular, Beauty and the Beast wouldn’t have been half as well-thought of as it was and is (this was, until Up, the only animated film ever nominated for the Best Pciture Oscar). The musical numbers, which are amongst the best ever put to the screen, go a long way toward covering up Beast’s glaring deficiencies when it comes to character development, tone and pacing, not to mention some bits of flat-out lazy animation. They’re the reason it’s often cited as the best/one of the best animated films of all time (both by laymen and people who really should know better).

Next post will be more in line with people’s interests, promise. Or at least, less not in line with them. Just pointing out how behind all the cute characters and theme park rides, the House of Mouse can be a very cold and fucked up place.

I knew it
November 22, 2010

I always knew all pop songs were the same. Now the Australian group Fake Tenacious D has proven it using a demonstration and words with fancy musical spellings like “chord.”

Today on “The Wasilla Hillbillies”
November 17, 2010

“Mama Grizzly” Sarah wins the Culinary Award for Best Butchering of the English Language. Meanwhile, Bristol “The Sex Pistol” comes one step closer to her dream of being the fattest reality TV winner since Ruben Studdard, and Willow “Marsha Marsha Marsha” learns a Very Special Lesson about how words can be hurtful to others.

Oh, those craaaaaaazy Palins.

California is awesome
November 15, 2010

Just like the pot measure, this one banning circumcision won’t pass, but just the fact that this state manages to get stuff like this on a general ballot is pretty awesome.

Why won’t it pass? Because we’re used to it. That’s it. We somehow think it’s a god-given right to subject an infant to genital mutilation, as long as it’s a guy of course. And “god-given” is the key term, isn’t it, because where else could you find legal justification for slicing off part of a child’s penis, causing inconceivable pain as blood spurts out like an erupting volcano? Only in religion, and those onerous few words (“…establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof.”) in the First Amendment granting all manner of antics the same sacred protections we afford speech and assembly. As a famous lawyer once said, “At a certain point, we have to say ‘enough with this freedom of religion crap’.” Amen to that.

All that said, I’ll be honest: I’m happy I’m cut, because I don’t have the balls to be an outlier like that.

I don’t have the foreskin, either. 😉

A few numbers
November 9, 2010

% of Americans who support the death penalty as an option: 64

% of Americans who believe innocent people have been executed by mistake: 81

We can’t know the exact overlap between these two groups, but lets average it out and apply the 81% figure to the 64%: 52% of this country believe that the death penalty has resulted in the murder of innocent people… and we should keep doing it anyway.

52%. An absolute majority.

But, but! There is hope yet for America, where our continuing utilization of capital punishment puts us in the company of such illustrious friends as Iran, Saudi Arabia and China. You see, only a mere 40% of people think we should use it on robbers. Progress.

The most arrogant thing you will likely ever read
November 4, 2010

But I want to say it anyway:

I don’t think I’ve ever loved being a New Yorker more than these last few days. With so much of the country being even more retarded than usual recently, as exemplified by the election, I am fucking reveling in my coastal elitism. There is no greater boost to the ego than knowing and being empirically better than so many others.

So many, many others.

America, the next two years:
November 3, 2010