Bye, Lost

And don’t let the door hit your ass on the way out.

This won’t be a long one, promise. I’ll say my piece and let you all get back to the pre-finale hype or post-finale analysis, depending on when you’re reading this. But as the resident Lost skeptic, (or realist as I’d prefer) a few words:

This show used to be about characters pushing the plot forward; it is now the total opposite. It used to be about people first and mystery second; it is now dominated by the latter.

If you can, rewatch the fourth episode of the first season, Walkabout. Witness how there is more character and drama and pathos in any one of John Locke’s flashback scenes than in all the Machiavellian manipulations of Ben or Jacob combined, than in all the show’s convoluted time travel, atrociously written mysticism and pseudo-scientific explanations put together. Remind yourself of a time when Lost was about people instead of pawns, when those people felt damn near real to you and weren’t defined principally by the nonsensical actions and piss-poor communication skills required to move the plot forward, to get to the next BIG. FUCKING. MYSTERY. (Lazy, lazy writing.)

Whatever you do, please do not compare those genuine character moments with the mawkishly overwrought “true love” stories of later episodes like The Constant and Ab Aeterno, so shameless in their pandering to male wish-fulfillment they make me recoil in nausea. (And if you don’t know what I’m talking about, stop and think for a moment: these are romances where the girl characters are wholly defined by the men in their lives. And they’re hot. And the love they share is just epic; listen to that swelling orchestral music… That kind of wish-fulfillment is to hipsterish guys what Sarah Palin cooking breakfast, naked except for the gun she’s wearing, is to rednecks.)

Characters replaced with chess pieces, intriguing mystery replaced with cluttered, labyrinthine mythology, wit of conversation replaced with dreadful, on-the-nose dialogue and groan-inducing Star Wars references.

Yeah, it’s time to go.

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