I have seen the light

I’m going to become a conservative. And I’ll tell you why, if you’re curious: because they are a peaceful, freedom loving, fiscally responsible people.

Now, you may be surprised to hear that, as I was. You may, as I once did, believe that conservatism as presently constituted actually stands for:

– spending lots of money
– running up enormous deficits
– starting wars of questionable necessity
– buffoonishly managing those wars
– teaching kids creationism in science class
– disregarding habeas corpus whenever convenient
– spying on its citizens without showing cause
– illegally torturing

and that the “Tea Party” people in particular seem to favor:

– closing the border with Mexico
– extending Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell from the military to society in general
– that black people sit down, shut up and do as they’re told
– that if you can’t afford health care, sucks to be you, leave the rest of us out of it
– that we shouldn’t tax rich people a lot because this is America and one day you’ll be rich and you won’t want the government taking your money, Rush Limbaugh told me so
– no Muslims allowed
– that everyone must actively acknowledge at least once a day that America is the greatest thing in the history of things, and if you don’t like our country you can just geddout!

Like I said, you may believe that, as I did. You may think that conservatives insisting that society is depraved because we don’t place enough limits on what you can read on a newsstand, or what you can see at an art exhibit, or what you can show on television, or who you can shack up with, or whether you can burn the American flag in protest, while at the same time getting positively apoplectic at the thought of regulation when it comes to the deadly concealed firearms they want everyone to be able to carry around, you may think that’s unfailingly ridiculous and unworthy of any serious consideration, but you’d be wrong. And how do I know this?

Because this fine, upstanding citizen told me so.

Sorry, it’s just been way too long since my last hitjob on Beck.

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