I have written here many times about my affinity for Moneyball, Michael Lewis’ seminal 2003 book that chronicled Oakland A’s General Manager Billy Beane’s application of sabermetrics to achieve success in a sport where the deck was stacked against his low payrolled team. The book is slickly written and unapologetically self-congratulatory, but also openly inviting to anyone willing to listen. It’s self-assured, but not arrogant. Okay, it is arrogant, but not sneeringly so.

You could almost think of Moneyball as the baseball world’s On the Origin of Species; a work that blows up conventional wisdom, infuriating many (Joe Morgan, most sports journalists, stupid people in general) but delighting those for whom pursuit of greater understanding trumps complacency and obstinacy in the face of progress.

It’s Moneyball’s take no prisoners attitude in tearing down sacred falsehoods that has made me excited for a long time for the upcoming movie adaptation, which has a ton of talent attached to it. And now, unfortunately, a ton of something else. Lets play a game – which of these doesn’t belong:

– Brad Pitt, awesome actor
– Aaron Sorkin, awesome writer
– Bennett Miller, awesome director (Capote)
Jonah Hill

Jonah fucking Hill. The grossly overweight version of Shia LaBeouf: can only play the “hapless fast-talker” character and who has never once uttered a single line on film in a way that didn’t absolutely scream “I’M IN A MOVIE READING FROM A SCRIPT!”

Not only does this fat fuck foul up the movie just by appearing in it, but he’ll be playing the second most visible role, as Beane’s assistant Paul DePodesta. DePodesta’s character is an ex-football player from Harvard.

Jonah Hill will be playing an athletic Ivy League graduate.

Here is the only appropriate reaction one can possibly have to hearing that.

I would be willing to spring for a Southwest Airlines flight for Mr. Hill to any destination of his choice, provided the airline enforces its Kevin Smith policy in mid air.

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