Archive for March, 2010

Sonic Sez
March 30, 2010

ENOUGH WITH THE FUCKING RAIN

Good for you, Pat Sajak
March 29, 2010

Way to tear up that Frank Rich guy at the New York Times.

Who, indeed, would ever want to hear from an ex-theater critic about matters of culture and politics, especially when they can hear from a CURRENT game show host!

And yeah, there’s clearly no bigoted element at work in the “Tea Party” protests. The fact that they count approximately 0.0 blacks, gays and Latinos amongst their members while they rant and spew invective ad nauseam about those groups is just a cute coincidence.

UPDATE 3/30: I’m watching Sean Hannity, Mr. Conservative, Mr. Tea Party, do a live show right now with a group of a few hundred like-minded clowns. No exaggeration – they’re all white. Every. Single. One.

Pat, I’d like to solve the puzzle: R-A-C-I-S-T   T-A-R-D-S

Kevin Smith self-destructs
March 24, 2010

An absolutely epic blowup from Mr. Too Fat to Fly himself.

See if you can follow this clusterfuck of logic: Smith admits his latest work, Cop Out, was a “retarded kid’ (his words) of a movie, then promises to ban critics from press screenings of his future movies because they gave his bad movie bad reviews.

Take a moment to process that.

See, it’s not okay for critics to shit on Cop Out because it isn’t just a bad movie, it’s a retarded one. And since making fun of retarded kids is just bad form, making fun of retarded movies must be too.

So there you have it, aspiring filmmakers. All you need to do to critic-proof your movie, to inoculate it from any unflattering evaluation whatsoever, to exempt it from the standards of quality that all other movies are judged by, is to call your movie “retarded”.

Kevin Smith is quickly becoming the Glenn Beck of filmmakers: a clownish jackanapes with nothing of any substance whatsoever to contribute, a self-perpetuating circus act of outrage and antics, enabled and sustained by an unfortunately sizable fanbase of an even lesser quality of intellect than himself. I may only be saying this because I don’t have any, but I can’t believe that any amount of money is worth the self-degradation, the complete surrendering of personal pride that this sort of hucksterism involves.

Yeah, it’s probably because I don’t have any. But still, fuck Kevin Smith with a soldering iron.

I am only posting this
March 23, 2010

video to illustrate why it is generally a bad idea to give retarded people their own cooking shows on cable access television. Not because it’s funny.

Really.

Promise.

Tim Burton: fucking tool
March 22, 2010

Tim Burton predicts the marketplace will soon be flooded with crappy films that, while not originally shot in 3D, will be half-assed 3D-ified during postproduction in a crass attempt to capitalize on Avatar’s success.

No shit, Timmy. Your Alice in Wonderland was the FIRST FUCKING ONE.

Random Nightmare Image of the Day
March 19, 2010

*shudder*

Going Overboard
March 18, 2010

A very wise man once defined the Internet as “a global communications network where people can come together to share pornography and/or whine about how they all could have made a better Star Wars Episode I.”

This guy made a documentary about the second part. He sifted through 634 hours of footage sent to him by disgruntled shut-ins eager to get their whacks in at George Lucas, then assembled it into an actual movie.

Because, of course, it’s not at all unimaginably sad and embarrassing to spend all that time and work obsessing over a film director. Clearly Lucas has brought this righteous fanboy wrath on himself by daring to release a mediocre trilogy of prequels and updating his original trilogy with many technical enhancements and a few stupid creative changes, thus raping their collective childhood and scarring them beyond repair.

Sweet Sassy Molassey, guy, get a fucking life. I promise, Emperor George isn’t sending out the stormtroopers to personally confiscate your original VHS copy of The Empire Strikes Back. Fuck.

Sonic Sez
March 15, 2010

Never listen to anyone who refers to “bipartisanship”, “the nuclear option”, “a government takeover”, “religious liberty”, “anti-Americanism” or “the American people”. Especially if they’re on television.

The people who use these words are very bad people who know nothing about anything and everything about saying nothing, people who spend the entirety of their existence 1) promoting themselves and 2) vigorously whacking off to thoughts of Ronald Reagan and Jesus Christ doing things to each other that are far too lascivious for me to detail on a family-friendly blog like this.

NO!
March 12, 2010

I have written here many times about my affinity for Moneyball, Michael Lewis’ seminal 2003 book that chronicled Oakland A’s General Manager Billy Beane’s application of sabermetrics to achieve success in a sport where the deck was stacked against his low payrolled team. The book is slickly written and unapologetically self-congratulatory, but also openly inviting to anyone willing to listen. It’s self-assured, but not arrogant. Okay, it is arrogant, but not sneeringly so.

You could almost think of Moneyball as the baseball world’s On the Origin of Species; a work that blows up conventional wisdom, infuriating many (Joe Morgan, most sports journalists, stupid people in general) but delighting those for whom pursuit of greater understanding trumps complacency and obstinacy in the face of progress.

It’s Moneyball’s take no prisoners attitude in tearing down sacred falsehoods that has made me excited for a long time for the upcoming movie adaptation, which has a ton of talent attached to it. And now, unfortunately, a ton of something else. Lets play a game – which of these doesn’t belong:

– Brad Pitt, awesome actor
– Aaron Sorkin, awesome writer
– Bennett Miller, awesome director (Capote)
Jonah Hill

Jonah fucking Hill. The grossly overweight version of Shia LaBeouf: can only play the “hapless fast-talker” character and who has never once uttered a single line on film in a way that didn’t absolutely scream “I’M IN A MOVIE READING FROM A SCRIPT!”

Not only does this fat fuck foul up the movie just by appearing in it, but he’ll be playing the second most visible role, as Beane’s assistant Paul DePodesta. DePodesta’s character is an ex-football player from Harvard.

Jonah Hill will be playing an athletic Ivy League graduate.

Here is the only appropriate reaction one can possibly have to hearing that.

I would be willing to spring for a Southwest Airlines flight for Mr. Hill to any destination of his choice, provided the airline enforces its Kevin Smith policy in mid air.

Random Excellent Item of the Day
March 11, 2010

Somehow I feel like I’ve seen this movie before…