Archive for November, 2009

5.4 microseconds is
November 30, 2009

a) the amount of time it takes light to travel one mile

b) the amount of time it takes to realize the irony of someone named Sizemore having his “dong shots in the mirror” pics leaked online

c) both

Sizemore, who plays center field for the Cleveland Indians, swings a big stick and can go after balls with the best of them, but last season found himself slumping and unable to perform as expected, ultimately coming up small.

I can’t help it, this shit just writes itself.

The best TV of the decade
November 29, 2009

It being the start of a new decade, those Top 10 lists that everyone comes out with near the end of the year are even more ubiquitous this time around. Reuters has one purportedly naming the ten best TV shows of the 00’s.

It’s not as bad as it could’ve been but there’s some pretty indefensible choices in there. Damages? Really? And Lost, for all its intrigue, is still an overstuffed byzantine mess of a mythology. They did get the top two right, though I’d argue they should be in reverse order, but it’s fair either way. Still, here’s a corrected list:

9. Friday Night Lights
8. Rome (underseen and underrated)
7. Malcolm in the Middle
6. Freaks and Geeks
5. The Shield
4. Breaking Bad
3. Mad Men
2. The Sopranos
1. The Glenn Beck Show The West Wing

Normally I’d elaborate but I’m more in an corrective mood right now than an explicative one. Just trust me, I’m right.

Why 9? Because I have yet to get around to watching The Wire, and from all indications it would be criminal to leave it off of a best-of list. So the tenth spot here is reserved for that, and depending on where I’d slot it the other picks would be adjusted.

Ninja Assassin
November 29, 2009

Rocked my fucking face off. Stylish action, bucketloads of blood, badass protagonist; everything a movie like this should be.

For those interested in further reading on ninjas this historical archive is a great place to start.

Oh look, isn’t that nice
November 26, 2009

He’s pardoning a turkey. How adorable.

Or should I say, ILLEGAL.

As clearly illustrated by The West Wing, the president of the United States has no constitutional authority to pardon a turkey. This is a clear violation of the oath of office and I move that articles of impeachment be introduced immediately in the House.

Of course, I’m only joking. The very idea is absurd. Impeach a president for pardoning a turkey? Why, that would be almost as ridiculous as impeaching a president for lying about who he gets head from!

Going Overboard
November 25, 2009

“Do you think there’s any justification on earth to kill thousands of civilians who go to work in the morning? Is there anything to justify that?… Is there any justification on this earth to murder thousands of innocent people?”

– Bill O’Reilly of Fox News, interviewing a defense lawyer for one of the 9/11 conspirators soon to go on trial

Bill. Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill.

Bill.

You can’t make it this easy. It just takes all the fun out of it.

Okay, that’s not true. It’s still fun. Christ on a bicycle, what a fucking idiot. You wanna call President Harry Truman a mass murderer also? I would, but that’s just me and my damn ideological consistency, and god knows you’ve never let something like integrity get in the way of your shameless America fellating.

Billo the Clown, today’s Worst Person in the World.

Random Excellent Item of the Day
November 25, 2009

Disney characters with cancer.

You asked for it, Pinocchio. You just had to be a real boy, didn’t you?

New rule
November 22, 2009

Every episode of Saturday Night Live must now be hosted by Joseph Gordon-Levitt or Jon Hamm. Because these are the only two people in forever to a) inspire good writing from the shows staff and b) competently perform hosting duties instead of looking so lost that you expect them at any moment to fall through a fucking wall.

Of course, Levitt actually did fall through a wall, but only as part of that ridiculously awesome opening musical number. Also, his Jason Mraz impression here is only slightly less amazing than Dave Matthews’ (yes, Dave fucking Matthews) take on Ozzy.

Precious
November 21, 2009

is a cautionary tale of addiction, the story of an innocent hobbit who was corrupted by the Ring of Power and transformed into a hideously deformed and violently obsessed junkie.

Or so I thought.

Blatant false advertising, that title. Harumph.

Apropos doesn’t even begin to describe it
November 19, 2009

Here is an example of the type of person who is a hardcore Sarah Palin fan, who cheerfully waited for hours and hours just to get a fleeting glance at that vacuous clod.

The girl wears a shit complaining about federal bailouts while gushing over a woman who is on the record as supporting them as recently as a year ago.

This is the equivalent of supporting Cookie Monster when you don’t like cookies.

EDIT: I suppose on some level that would actually make sense, because if Cookie Monster were to complete his primary goal of eating all the cookies in the world there would then be no more cookies for the hypothetical anti-cookie person to concern himself with. So upon further consideration this wasn’t the best analogy I could’ve come up with, but whatever, I’m not changing it.

The Blind Side (UPDATED)
November 16, 2009

Holy crap. Holy holy holy crap, this might just be the most unintentionally hilarious trailer ever.

I am strongly considering seeing this movie after having raised my blood alcohol level to the .20 range. It looks so insulting, so maudlin, so shamelessly white mans burden-y… wow.

My favorite part of the trailer is when Sandra Bullock’s Caring White Lady gamely ventures into the projects to give Unknown Fat Black Actor’s Shy Fat Black Kid’s tough guy bad influence friends a piece of her mind. “You threaten my son… you threaten me!”. And of course there’s that cross around her neck. Of fucking course.

I can’t. I just… again, wow.

About the only way this could be any funnier is if the next part of the movie has the Bad Crowd people dragging her down to the basement and gang raping the shit out of her in graphic detail, followed by clips of Fox News’ resident missing white woman expert/lockjawed beaver Greta Van Susteren reporting on the story as the headline at the bottom of the screen reads “Got MILF?”.

UPDATE: Some genius (perhaps the only time I have ever used that phrase in a non-sarcastic way) created a trailer for the movie using an on-air story synopsis from Mike Francesa as a voice over narration. It is sheer brilliance. Screw Morgan Freeman and that PBS guy; Mike is the new gold standard for narration.