Archive for October, 2009

They really just bring it on themselves
October 27, 2009

Yes, ripping on culture warriors/concerned parents/sexually repressed killjoys with no lives in general is like shooting retarded fish in a barrel, but this is too good to pass up: basically a bunch of clueless, stupid people are annoyed that the film Antichrist exists, and they want to do everything short of complete censorship to keep it away from people. Check that, they would love to completely censor it, but for a change they’ve confined themselves to reality-based efforts, and so are complaining that

the movie is coming into theatres “unrated,” when it should be rated NC-17 – the modern-day version of the “X” rating.

Now really, would it *kill* these people to learn *something* about how the MPAA works? Hell, even something about *words* and what they *mean*? “Unrated” is not a rating. “Unrated” means… wait for it… the film hasn’t been rated. Holy batfuck! From a quick trip to Wikipedia, which took me three fucking seconds:

If a film is not submitted for rating, the label NR (Not Rated) is used; however, “NR” is not an official MPAA classification.

The MPAA can’t change Antichrist‘s rating because it hasn’t given it one. It’s a voluntary system, and if a distributor doesn’t submit a release for classification the movie thus goes unrated by the organization.

But all that’s just silly nonsense like facts and logic and clearly has no place here when we’re talking about a movie that “is mainly about sex, mutilation and evil” so FUCK THAT SHIT AND RAPE THIS MOTHERFUCKER WITH AN NC-17 UP ITS ASS!

As an aside, Antichrist happens to be a provocative, well-acted, deeply unsettling film that’s well worth a viewing by anyone with an attention span and the ability to not be a nauseating scold that loves to get off on their own outrage when they’re not too busy worshipping homoerotic bondage.

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Sonic Sez
October 23, 2009

Disney genealogist should totally be an actual profession.

The Girardi Binder
October 19, 2009

After the debacle I just witnessed on Fox, Joe Girardi should be the first manager ever to be fired even if his team sweeps through the World Series with a run differential of 4932874983758934 to 0.

What. A. Moron.

I encourage all 6.3 million of my readers to take a look at the sequence of Girardi’s managerial moves that took place today in Game 3 of the ALCS.

Of note: he consulted a binder in the dugout before making his final boneheaded move of the game. Thus is born a new meme for especially stupid, ridiculous actions, utterly incomprehensible to even the least intelligent amongst us: The Girardi Binder. Examples:

“Oh, look. Oncoming traffic. What should I do?”
*consults Girardi Binder*
*walks into middle of street*

“Oh, look. A fire. What should I do?”
*consults Girardi Binder*
*walks into middle of fire*

“Oh, look. I think my relief pitcher just twitched. What should I do?”
*consults Girardi Binder*
*goes to bullpen*

When even Tim McCarver smacks down your managing, wow, you are really, really bad at it.

EDIT: In the interest of presenting both sides, here is Joe Girardi’s explanation of his inexplicable final move of the game, the rotten cherry of a pitching change that was a fitting top-off to a truly rancid managerial performance (this line would be much better if the game took place on Sunday and I could turn it into an awesomely bad pun, but whatever):

Joe Girardi’s postgame press conference lasted about three minutes, and his explanation for taking out Dave Robertson and bringing in Alfredo Aceves was that the Yankees “liked the match-up better.” Asked to elaborate on that since Howie Kendrick was 1-for-2 lifetime against Robertson and had never faced Aceves, Girardi declined.

Translation: “Because I felt like it, that’s why!”

See? This is why I don’t present both sides. Because the other side is stupid.

You know that stereotype about athletes being dumb?
October 17, 2009

It’s true. It’s absolutely true. Which is why it’s such complete and utter retardation to, after they retire, move them from a position in which their contribution to the team has nothing to do with intelligence (playing), to a position where their contribution to the team has everything to do with intelligence (managing).

One day the road to becoming a manager/coach will go through Ivy League schools instead of through teams player development systems. It’s a very long ways off, but one day these billionaire owners are going to wake up to the fact that their investments are being entrusted to uninformed, unqualified and oftentimes just plain incompetent washed-up athletes.

Athletes. Do you know any other business where billion dollar investments are handled not by those with impeccable academic credentials or years of business experience, but by athletes?

Yes, I pontificate on this issue too much. It’s just frustrating. Because sometimes it’s very hard to be simultaneously intelligent and a sports fan.

I am speechless
October 15, 2009

Utterly, utterly speechless. The Conservative Crazies have absolutely outdone themselves.

“Tonight… We Are All Rush Limbaugh”

A teaser: the above article equates the NFL’s reluctance to allow Rush Limbaugh to be a part owner of the St. Louis Rams with the way Jews were treated in Nazi Germany.

Go look. I swear to god, I’m not even joking.

My office has managed to obtain a copy of the application Limbaugh submitted to the NFL. I believe careful analysis will provide us with a clue as to exactly why he was denied:

nfl

Many Bothans died to bring us this information. 😦

Going Overboard
October 14, 2009

No words necessary.

My TV just exploded
October 14, 2009

A/C circuitry and cathode ray tubes clearly just were not designed to accommodate the combined stupidity of Sean Hannity, Stephen A Smith and Random Uncle Tom on one show.

Thanks a lot, Fox.

Old, white baseball managers never die
October 6, 2009

They just keep on keepin’ on, and keep on fucking up.

Watching a one game playoff in progress right now between the Tigers and Twins and the sheer and complete ineptitude on display by the two knownothing managers, both lionized to no end by the knownothing sports media, would be skullbusting if it weren’t so expected and outrageous if it weren’t so standard.

Their miscues are myriad but I’ll single out of the worst one, which is probably the most consistently made fuckup in MLB today: the use of “closers”.

Twins up 4-3 in the 8th in a win or go home game. Tigers best hitters are coming up to bat. Does Twins manager Ron Gardenhire go to Joe Nathan, who is not only his best reliever, but one of the best in all of baseball? No. He goes with someone else, who admittedly has had a very good year himself. But still, why not the best option?

Because Joe Nathan is the “closer”. And the “closer” doesn’t pitch until you get to the 9th inning. It doesn’t matter if the opposing teams best bats are due up in the 8th. The “closer” must be saved for the 9th, because baseball logic dictates that there is a magical evil force field surrounding that inning that only a heroic chosen few can penetrate: the “closers”. Your closer pitches the 9th. End of story. Doesn’t matter if Ted Williams, Babe Ruth and Barry Bonds are due to bat in the 8th; the closer must be saved for the 9th.

Nathan is now pitching, by the way. In the 8th inning, with a tied up score. That’s because the other guy immediately gave up a homer to the first guy he faced. So why is Nathan only *now* in the game, after the lead has been blown, and when closers aren’t supposed to be in game in the 8th inning? Because Gardenhire panicked. And in his panic he went with his best.

The best reliever you have in the most important situation of the game. What a novel concept. If only he’d thought of it earlier, say, maybe, I don’t know, when he had a fucking lead at the start of the inning?

Major League Baseball: a war of attrition of stupidity. If your fuckups aren’t as bad as the other guys fuckups, you win.

I don’t know who will win this game, but either way, congrats to Ron Gardenhire or Jim Leyland: you fucked up less.

Though it goes without saying: you’re still a fuckup.

Epic disappointment
October 4, 2009

It’s only the first of an eight episode story arc, but tonight’s Seinfeld reunion on Curb Your Enthusiasm reminded me of exactly why I never took to this show in the first place: it’s rambling, contrived and plotless. It comes off almost as an amateur project made by fans trying to imitate Seinfeld-style humor rather than an actual TV production made by one of Seinfeld’s guiding minds.

It’s also pretty not funny. The improv aspect leads to endless line repetition and harping on asinine situations, which, again, comes back to poor Seinfeld mimicry. Larry David has a lot of George Lucas in him (minus the goiter): a shitload of creativity, but their work is better when filtered through others rather than just spit out directly. Curb is, like the Star Wars prequels, oftentimes unrefined, sloppy and badly in need of a rewrite.

And, in Curb’s case, more actual writing.