Archive for September, 2009

Hell is
September 30, 2009

listening to a bunch of yuppies in an office building wax poetic about Almost Famous being the “best movie of the decade”.

Yep, the best of the decade that gave us There Will Be Blood and No Country For Old Men and The Fellowship of the Ring and Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon and City of God and Requiem For a Dream and Gladiator and Slumdog Millionaire and Sideways and Babel and Y Tu Mama Tambien and Into the Wild and Pan’s Labyrinth and Hero and Ratatouille and Little Children and Oldboy and Up and The Aviator and Chicago and Bowling For Columbine and Jesus Fucking Christ I Just Thought Of All Those Movies Off The Top of My Head Because There’s Been So Many Better Movies This Decade Than Almost Fucking Famous You Silly Stupid People.

Obviously.

He does exist! (and he’s a dick)
September 29, 2009

So I was saying to myself the other day, “Man, you know what television really needs? Another Seth MacFarlane animated vehicle for a series of totally interchangeable pop culture riffs with the barest hint of a plot thrown in to provide the pretense that an actual story is being told. Oh, and, uh, yeah, the way his characters all talk with, ah, lots of fillers in their vocabulary? Oh man, I could never get enough of that!”

And then I heard a voice, and holy shit, it was God! He said, “Well, that certainly was long-winded, but what the hell, here you go!”

And I said, “But God, I was obviously being sarcastic. The last thing the world needs is more Seth MacFarlane quackfuckery.”

And he said “Well, that’s what you get for being a smartass.”

And I said “But-”

And he was like “Suck on it, kike”, and, well, I really didn’t have anywhere to go from there.

Title TBA
September 24, 2009

The following is an actual exchange of words that took place. Any and all resemblances to real people are entirely purposeful, and this totally happened:

Stupid sports writers/fans: “Tony Romo (Cowboys) is not a great quarterback. He’s not a leader. He doesn’t get the job done in big spots. He will never be great and Dallas will never win with him directing its offense.”

Me: “You fucking idiots. You fucking fucking idiots. Do you know anything about anything? Are concepts like “facts” and “truth” and “logic” and “sanity” really that abstract, that hard to get a grip on? What in god’s name is wrong with you people?

Tony Romo is not only a great quarterback, he a great quarterback who has had a historically great start to his career. HISFUCKINGTORICALLY:

10th all time in pass completion percentage at 63.1%

3rd all time in quarterback rating at 94.2 .

4th all time in yards per attempt, the most telling pure stat there is for QB’s.

Tied for the 9th highest single-season passing touchdowns in history at 36 in 2007. (Fun fact: No Cowboys QB has ever thrown for even 30. Aikman only passed 20 once in his career.)

In conclusion, Tony Romo is a really really really really really fucking good quarterback who has lost the first two playoff games of his young career.

Die.”

Holy fucking fuck
September 19, 2009

Fire Joe Morgan reunion!

First Larry David got the Seinfeld cast back together, and now this? Who’s next? Mike and the Mad Dog? Hannity and Colmes? Patrick Swayze and Demi Moore?

We can only wonder and wait. And remember kids, there’s no such thing as “too soon”.

EDIT: It occurs to me that a brief explanation is in order for the unenlightened of exactly what FJM was.

Fire Joe Morgan, also known as the greatest blog ever, was a place where several writers for NBC’s The Office got together and mercilessly ripped on dumbfuck members of the sports media. Basically a smarter and funnier version of some of the stuff I do here. They were totally awesome and eventually managed to get Joe Morgan of ESPN to see the error of his retardery, apologize for foisting decades of misinformation on unsuspecting viewers with his ear-pollution on Sunday Night Baseball, and retire to an undisclosed location in the Seventh Circle of Hell where he was never heard from again.

EDIT 2: According to my fact check department the above is completely wrong and Joe Morgan continues to wage his weekly war against facts, truth and smartness every Sunday night. Fuck. 😦

But I still stand by the FJM is awesome part.